Update:

I have made the decision to stay married to him.  I have to understand that he isn't going to change overnight and that this is something I will likely have to deal with for the rest of my life.  He is addicted.  He doesn't do it because he hates me or just for fun.  He does it because his mind thinks he needs it.  It is sad that he let it get that far.  But, when you start at such a young age and don't understand the consequences of your actions, when the consequences come, they come slowly and you accept them as they come.

I am also an addict.  I have attended AA meetings with some of my family members.  I understand addiction and what it means to be addicted.  Although my addiction of food doesn't demoralize other human beings, I still have several of the same consequences.  Sometimes I feel hopeless.  I will have months of dedication to overcome and then I will cave in a week moment.  It doesn't matter if I tell myself that I will die at a young age (due to obesity) and leave my son without a mother, I give in to the addiction.

I think I am blogging today more for myself.  I cannot change what my husband does.  I can encourage and support or I can degrade and tear him down, but it is ultimately up to him what he does.  So, I am making positive changes in my own life and addiction to become a better person for myself and my family.  He can encourage me to eat less and exercise, but it is up to me.

The first step is admitting you have a problem.  Not just once, but every time.  Every time I overeat I need to recognize that I indulged in my temptations.  I have been sending mass texts to my family about my weight loss progress.  I was ashamed to text them that I had fallen off the bandwagon and hadn't been keeping track of my WeightWatchers points.  I shouldn't have been.  I only received support in return for admitting my weakness.

My dad once said that there is no shame in your temptations.  My therapist told me that secrecy is the petri dish for addiction.  Keeping things secret when you are tempted doesn't make them go away.  Of course, you shouldn't put yourself in a situation where avoiding temptation is difficult.  My husband shouldn't watch rated R movies and I shouldn't go to chocolate parties.  Yes, there are chocolate parties.  And yes, I have been to a couple.  However, admitting that the chocolate/red velvet cake that the FACs teacher made this morning isn't indulging.  Eating one piece wasn't indulging.  It was after the first piece that I felt the real temptation.  I could have 2 or 4 pieces.  No one would know.... there is my trap.

I rededicated myself this week to my weight loss and healthy lifestyle.  My husband rededicated himself a few weeks ago.  Will we mess up?  I bet we do.  That is what life is all about.  Our bishop said that is inevitable that we will sin in this life.  He said that we will surely indulge in our addictions.  He said that the length in between indulges will increase and the duration/severity of the indulges will decrease if we do what we are supposed to.

Attend every church meeting
Read scriptures every night
attend addiction recovery meetings
attend couples/individual therapy.

This is a recipe for success.

I'll keep you updated.

Thank you for loving us.

Adversity Some people are really mean. Several people were really rude to me this weekend. I wanted to be mean in return and one time I was. It didn't make me feel better. You forget the worth of souls is great when someone is cruel or indulges in sins that hurt other people. Taking a look at myself when others are judgemental and harsh makes me want to improve in this area. I want to not pass judgement. I am going to be better about it starting right now. Just because my husband is addicted to pornography and struggles with honesty it doesnt mean that the worth of his soul is not great. Heavenly Father loves him just as much as he loves me. I have my own addictions and trials I am working to overcome. That doesnt mean I will just quit helping him improve or even that we will stay married but the next time someone is mean to me I will think about how much my Father in heaven loves them and me. Just my thought for the day. Love you all!

Coming Home

So, he came home last week on a provisional basis to see if he can earn any trust.  It hasn't been a great week, but it has been okay. There has been a lot of stress with trying to find a job in Utah so I can move closer to family.  I am still keeping the end results in mind.  I still have a decision to make regarding the rest of my life.  I'm not rushing.  Just taking it slowly, one day at a time, so I can make a wise decision.

Thank you all for caring about us.

Beating Addiction

So, he came home this weekend to go to church with me.  I can tell that he is dedicated to beating his pornography addiction.  However, the same problems remain.  He is quick to forget, and I can't trust him.

It seems like last time he was just as dedicated.  He said the same things, he acted the same way.  The difference about this time is that he actually putting forth the effort.  He has read the miracle of forgiveness and has fasted twice.  He has been reading his scriptures and writing letters of apology to those he has hurt because of his addiction.

The thing I am most worried about is how quick he is to forget.  Although that is human nature, his problem is not being honest about it.  He thinks it is okay to go to the temple and stand in blessing circles when he is unworthy, as long as no one knows about it.

I guess because I have gone through the repentance process so many times and for such an extended period of time, I know that lying isn't worth it.  It isn't worth all the guilt you feel from doing something unworthily.  It feels much better sitting in the congregation and watching those who are worthy.  And it feels the BEST when you have fully repented and can participate worthily.

I was able to go to the temple this weekend with a dear friend and my sister.  It felt amazing to be there and perform the sacred ordinances.  I prayed and cried while I was sitting in the celestial room.  I knew that my eternal family was currently broken.  I felt strongly that it will not always be that way.  I will have an eternal family again soon, whether that is with my husband or another man.  I will not always be in this unstable state.

Thanks again for all of your support!

Things I want to do in this life:

Be an active member of my church.

Travel the world.

Continue to make family my first priority.

Continue to work as a special educator.

Feed my addiction for roller coasters.

Run with my family in Ragnar.

Join a choir besides the ward choir. 

Go to every event that my son participates in.

Get to a healthy weight and stay there.  

Get a tummy tuck. :)

Decorate my house the way I want to.

Take a lot of pictures.

Try new things when they are offered.

Learn to sew.

Stay happy.

So, last night this good looking guy was flirting with me.  It was weird because he knows the whole situation.  I didn't know how to feel about it.  Yes, I am separated from my husband, but I am still married.  I think I am at the point where nothing any man does matters.  My husband ordered me flowers. Although it was flattering, it seemed pointless.  I feel numb and that was just a waste of money.

I am going to get a massage this weekend since I hit another goal in my weight loss.  

Talk to you later!

 

Options
There is a song that my sister told me to listen to.  It is called 'These Times' by Safetysuit.  It is a good song. There is a part that says "I am sitting alone in my bed, waiting for an answer that I don't know if I'll get".

I prayed this morning and told my Heavenly Father that I don't want this pain anymore.  I immediately felt a different feeling, one of comfort.  I understood that He doesn't want that for me either.  He wants me to be happy and wants me to be successful in this life.

Unlike the song, I am not going to wait, sitting alone in my bed.  I have to keep moving forward, one day at a time.  I am looking at every option available.

Staying together- not trusting my husband
Divorce- having to interact with an ex-husband
                 Staying single forever- lonely but never forced to rely on the honesty of another person
                 Getting re-married- possibility of all this heartache again

There are one million things I need to consider, but I am going to make this decision.
Have a great day!

Battered Wife Syndrome


I have been contemplating the difference between 'enduring to the end' and battered wife syndrome.  On one had, a person puts up with the abuse of another and keeps running back to them for comfort.  On the other hand, a person stays through the difficult times while seeking support from the other person.   I am trying to determine which scenario is my own.


Here is the definition: Battered person syndrome is a physical and psychological condition that is classified as ICD-9 code "Battered person syndrome" NEC. The condition is the basis for the battered woman defense that has been used in cases of physically and psychologically abused women who have killed their abusers.


So, I haven't killed anyone, nor do I plan on it.  However, I always told myself I would not put up with abuse.  I definitely feel like I have been mentally abused.  Being lied to over and over again while trying to support someone is a form of mental abuse.  Self diagnosed, but still..


Here is a visual representation of these differences. The pictures are of the same person, but the one on the left seems to be one who has endured to the end while the one on the right has battered person syndrome.

So, what do you think?  Charlize Theron is an amazing actress, but man is she UGLY in "Monster".

Well, every day I am improving.  I feel more determined to make a happy life for me and my son!  

Thanks again for reading.