Adversity Some people are really mean. Several people were really rude to me this weekend. I wanted to be mean in return and one time I was. It didn't make me feel better. You forget the worth of souls is great when someone is cruel or indulges in sins that hurt other people. Taking a look at myself when others are judgemental and harsh makes me want to improve in this area. I want to not pass judgement. I am going to be better about it starting right now. Just because my husband is addicted to pornography and struggles with honesty it doesnt mean that the worth of his soul is not great. Heavenly Father loves him just as much as he loves me. I have my own addictions and trials I am working to overcome. That doesnt mean I will just quit helping him improve or even that we will stay married but the next time someone is mean to me I will think about how much my Father in heaven loves them and me. Just my thought for the day. Love you all!

Coming Home

So, he came home last week on a provisional basis to see if he can earn any trust.  It hasn't been a great week, but it has been okay. There has been a lot of stress with trying to find a job in Utah so I can move closer to family.  I am still keeping the end results in mind.  I still have a decision to make regarding the rest of my life.  I'm not rushing.  Just taking it slowly, one day at a time, so I can make a wise decision.

Thank you all for caring about us.

Beating Addiction

So, he came home this weekend to go to church with me.  I can tell that he is dedicated to beating his pornography addiction.  However, the same problems remain.  He is quick to forget, and I can't trust him.

It seems like last time he was just as dedicated.  He said the same things, he acted the same way.  The difference about this time is that he actually putting forth the effort.  He has read the miracle of forgiveness and has fasted twice.  He has been reading his scriptures and writing letters of apology to those he has hurt because of his addiction.

The thing I am most worried about is how quick he is to forget.  Although that is human nature, his problem is not being honest about it.  He thinks it is okay to go to the temple and stand in blessing circles when he is unworthy, as long as no one knows about it.

I guess because I have gone through the repentance process so many times and for such an extended period of time, I know that lying isn't worth it.  It isn't worth all the guilt you feel from doing something unworthily.  It feels much better sitting in the congregation and watching those who are worthy.  And it feels the BEST when you have fully repented and can participate worthily.

I was able to go to the temple this weekend with a dear friend and my sister.  It felt amazing to be there and perform the sacred ordinances.  I prayed and cried while I was sitting in the celestial room.  I knew that my eternal family was currently broken.  I felt strongly that it will not always be that way.  I will have an eternal family again soon, whether that is with my husband or another man.  I will not always be in this unstable state.

Thanks again for all of your support!

Things I want to do in this life:

Be an active member of my church.

Travel the world.

Continue to make family my first priority.

Continue to work as a special educator.

Feed my addiction for roller coasters.

Run with my family in Ragnar.

Join a choir besides the ward choir. 

Go to every event that my son participates in.

Get to a healthy weight and stay there.  

Get a tummy tuck. :)

Decorate my house the way I want to.

Take a lot of pictures.

Try new things when they are offered.

Learn to sew.

Stay happy.

So, last night this good looking guy was flirting with me.  It was weird because he knows the whole situation.  I didn't know how to feel about it.  Yes, I am separated from my husband, but I am still married.  I think I am at the point where nothing any man does matters.  My husband ordered me flowers. Although it was flattering, it seemed pointless.  I feel numb and that was just a waste of money.

I am going to get a massage this weekend since I hit another goal in my weight loss.  

Talk to you later!

 

Options
There is a song that my sister told me to listen to.  It is called 'These Times' by Safetysuit.  It is a good song. There is a part that says "I am sitting alone in my bed, waiting for an answer that I don't know if I'll get".

I prayed this morning and told my Heavenly Father that I don't want this pain anymore.  I immediately felt a different feeling, one of comfort.  I understood that He doesn't want that for me either.  He wants me to be happy and wants me to be successful in this life.

Unlike the song, I am not going to wait, sitting alone in my bed.  I have to keep moving forward, one day at a time.  I am looking at every option available.

Staying together- not trusting my husband
Divorce- having to interact with an ex-husband
                 Staying single forever- lonely but never forced to rely on the honesty of another person
                 Getting re-married- possibility of all this heartache again

There are one million things I need to consider, but I am going to make this decision.
Have a great day!

Battered Wife Syndrome


I have been contemplating the difference between 'enduring to the end' and battered wife syndrome.  On one had, a person puts up with the abuse of another and keeps running back to them for comfort.  On the other hand, a person stays through the difficult times while seeking support from the other person.   I am trying to determine which scenario is my own.


Here is the definition: Battered person syndrome is a physical and psychological condition that is classified as ICD-9 code "Battered person syndrome" NEC. The condition is the basis for the battered woman defense that has been used in cases of physically and psychologically abused women who have killed their abusers.


So, I haven't killed anyone, nor do I plan on it.  However, I always told myself I would not put up with abuse.  I definitely feel like I have been mentally abused.  Being lied to over and over again while trying to support someone is a form of mental abuse.  Self diagnosed, but still..


Here is a visual representation of these differences. The pictures are of the same person, but the one on the left seems to be one who has endured to the end while the one on the right has battered person syndrome.

So, what do you think?  Charlize Theron is an amazing actress, but man is she UGLY in "Monster".

Well, every day I am improving.  I feel more determined to make a happy life for me and my son!  

Thanks again for reading.

So,  I am fighting the battle against pornography.  I know I am not alone, so I am starting this blog to connect with other wives and families who suffer the consequences of others actions. 

When I first found out about my husband's addiction, I was upset.  I was personally offended.  I felt worthless and ugly.  I never wanted to be in a marriage that had such a vile thing as pornography.  Before we were even married, I told him that I would rather be married to an abusive husband than one who practiced infidelity through pornography. 

He swore that he wasn't.  That he hadn't since he was in high school and that it was something he had taken care of before he served his mission and there hadn't been any problems since.

My baby was only 4 months old when I finally found out the truth.  That was a hard week.  My little sister was there (she was only 16) to help me, I found myself too weak to even hold my son.  I screamed and cried and sobbed.  Over the next several days I would find out how deep and perverse the pornography addiction had become. 

It started when he was 8.  He was molested by his older brother and sister and was shown some pictures of girls his age in panties, just cut outs from the JC Penny catalog.  From there, he had kept going, always seeking something just a little more off color and off limits.  Eventually there were no limits.  He looked at every kind of pornography under the sun and did it often.  Of course, after each session he would vow that he would not ever look again and that he was worthless.  He even fell to his knees several times asking for the strength to overcome his weakness.  But because of the LDS culture, he didn't seek help.  He kept it quiet because he was ashamed.  Since secrecy is the petri-dish for addiction, he never recovered. 

I decided I would try to work it out.  I helped him by going to the bishop, enrolling him in the addiction recovery program through the church, and attending marriage counseling.  In our counseling sessions the counselor gave us several tips and a lot of advice to overcome our weaknesses.  At one point, I confessed that I knew my husband would give in to the temptations in the future.  My fear was that he would keep it secret and fall into the same trap that caused all of this heartache. 

One and a half years later, I still felt I couldn't trust him.  He was telling me that he hadn't given in to what mild temptations he had faced.  He said he felt like the Lord was helping him through this and that because he was trying, the Lord was removing the temptation. 

I hate to tell you, but it isn't true.  The Lord isn't the one who tempts you, it is Satan.  And he was being tempted, and he was giving in.  The worst part about it, is that he was lying and covering his tracks so he could indulge more and not have to face the consequences of his actions.  I couldn't take it.  What little trust he had earned by lying for a year and a half was gone.  It was even worse than before.  However, this time I wasn't hurt personally or offended.  The only thing that hurts is that my little boy misses his daddy. 

Now I am here alone, debating on what course I should take.  There are many options, but which one is the best for me and my son?  No matter what I chose, the road is going to be a difficult one.  No matter how hard I try not to, I love my husband.  I don't want to live without him, but I am willing to if it is whats best.  My heart goes back and forth from "I KNOW I should get a divorce" to "that CAN'T be the right choice".  I am in limbo.  I am praying for an answer to come, but it isn't here yet. 

I just want my son to know that I did what is best for him.  I don't want him to be 16 asking why I didn't stay with his dad, or why I did stay with him if I didn't trust him.  Right now I feel like the trust will never come back.  I don't see a time when he is able to earn it back.  Even if he never looked at pornography again and never lied, I will always be anticipating the moment that he DOES and to what measure he will deny it and cover it up. 

Thank you for reading.  I think I will be posting a lot in the next couple of days.  It is therapeutic to write my thoughts.