So,  I am fighting the battle against pornography.  I know I am not alone, so I am starting this blog to connect with other wives and families who suffer the consequences of others actions. 

When I first found out about my husband's addiction, I was upset.  I was personally offended.  I felt worthless and ugly.  I never wanted to be in a marriage that had such a vile thing as pornography.  Before we were even married, I told him that I would rather be married to an abusive husband than one who practiced infidelity through pornography. 

He swore that he wasn't.  That he hadn't since he was in high school and that it was something he had taken care of before he served his mission and there hadn't been any problems since.

My baby was only 4 months old when I finally found out the truth.  That was a hard week.  My little sister was there (she was only 16) to help me, I found myself too weak to even hold my son.  I screamed and cried and sobbed.  Over the next several days I would find out how deep and perverse the pornography addiction had become. 

It started when he was 8.  He was molested by his older brother and sister and was shown some pictures of girls his age in panties, just cut outs from the JC Penny catalog.  From there, he had kept going, always seeking something just a little more off color and off limits.  Eventually there were no limits.  He looked at every kind of pornography under the sun and did it often.  Of course, after each session he would vow that he would not ever look again and that he was worthless.  He even fell to his knees several times asking for the strength to overcome his weakness.  But because of the LDS culture, he didn't seek help.  He kept it quiet because he was ashamed.  Since secrecy is the petri-dish for addiction, he never recovered. 

I decided I would try to work it out.  I helped him by going to the bishop, enrolling him in the addiction recovery program through the church, and attending marriage counseling.  In our counseling sessions the counselor gave us several tips and a lot of advice to overcome our weaknesses.  At one point, I confessed that I knew my husband would give in to the temptations in the future.  My fear was that he would keep it secret and fall into the same trap that caused all of this heartache. 

One and a half years later, I still felt I couldn't trust him.  He was telling me that he hadn't given in to what mild temptations he had faced.  He said he felt like the Lord was helping him through this and that because he was trying, the Lord was removing the temptation. 

I hate to tell you, but it isn't true.  The Lord isn't the one who tempts you, it is Satan.  And he was being tempted, and he was giving in.  The worst part about it, is that he was lying and covering his tracks so he could indulge more and not have to face the consequences of his actions.  I couldn't take it.  What little trust he had earned by lying for a year and a half was gone.  It was even worse than before.  However, this time I wasn't hurt personally or offended.  The only thing that hurts is that my little boy misses his daddy. 

Now I am here alone, debating on what course I should take.  There are many options, but which one is the best for me and my son?  No matter what I chose, the road is going to be a difficult one.  No matter how hard I try not to, I love my husband.  I don't want to live without him, but I am willing to if it is whats best.  My heart goes back and forth from "I KNOW I should get a divorce" to "that CAN'T be the right choice".  I am in limbo.  I am praying for an answer to come, but it isn't here yet. 

I just want my son to know that I did what is best for him.  I don't want him to be 16 asking why I didn't stay with his dad, or why I did stay with him if I didn't trust him.  Right now I feel like the trust will never come back.  I don't see a time when he is able to earn it back.  Even if he never looked at pornography again and never lied, I will always be anticipating the moment that he DOES and to what measure he will deny it and cover it up. 

Thank you for reading.  I think I will be posting a lot in the next couple of days.  It is therapeutic to write my thoughts.